Explanation

We've had a few great days with the Quartet. We seem to be a little more comfortable with each other and the lack of cohesiveness is a little less noticeable. The hardest part has been that they don't "feel" like "our" kids. And of course they don't. They've had 3 and 4 different families in the past year. It's just hard to remember we have to work at it too. But we spent some quality time talking and hanging out the last few days and its helping. The kids have some great personalities and its fun getting to know them.

Sarah asked us directly tonight if her former foster parents were coming to our party on Sunday. As a rule, we don't lie to kids in our home. We adjust answers to be age appropriate but we never mislead the children in our care. (This doesn't score you points. If the kids find out that you were not truthful it can sabotage what little trust you may have.) we told her that they weren't invited. Stella of course pushed and asked if we could invite them. (This child I always looking for an alternative.)

We explained that sometimes you meet people and they are nice but you just don't become friends with them. Other times you meet people and you have a lot in common and so you become friends. We assured them it was us adults that were not going to be friends and that they are lived by their former family.

Stella of course asked us to try "again" and to "try harder" to be friends with them. She wasn't accusatory.  And when we assured her we had tried as hard a we could she wanted to know if it was the other foster mom's fault. We explained it was nobody's fault and that sometimes you just don't become friends with people. She then told me you should never lose hope. (I really hope she challenges her Mom this way when given the opportunity. Stella is the kid in the family who will hold you accountable.) Sarah spent a few minutes crying but she managed to calm down. Stella then wanted to play "what if". What if they invite you to a party would you go? My answer was that I didn't think that would happen but if it did we would figure it out then. 

We didn't mention the no further contact part. We just reminded them how much they are loved by everyone and what an amazing gift their family gave them allowing them to move to be with their siblings.

I felt bad that the girls were hoping their former family would be at the party. I'll have to remember to be more clear about invite lists going forward. And it was hard to walk them through more hurt because of foster care. I hate the path these kids have to journey on.

Fab Four Update

I spoke with Maria today. We had invited her and the kids over for the Super Bowl. They aren't going to be able to make it but we caught up in what was going on. The kids are in a mentor program and seem to be doing ok.

The week with my Mom seemed to really help LM and JB's medication has been adjusted and seems to be working better. Maria asked if my Mom could take JB to an appointment next week. My Mom readily agreed. That's what grandma's do! I love that she still can support the kids and that Maria feel comfortable enough to ask.

I then spoke to Gabby for a few minutes. It made me really miss her. I actually got teary eyed. She stopped by day care and met the Quartet last week. She commented that they were really quiet. I asked her if it was weird or made her sad and she said no. She's a good egg, that one. I love her so much. 

Loss

This week brought another sad situation to the kids. The former foster mom of Sarah and Stella cancelled her visit with them and asked to no longer have contact with the kids.

I'm totally heart broken for them as when they figure it out, they will be devastated. We aren't going to tell them exactly what was said but the kids are perceptive and they are going to realize that the calls and visits aren't happening.

The day before she cancelled she was requesting an extended visit for the weekend they were schedule to see her. I'm not sure how you jump from "I want to have them two nights" to "I don't want to see or talk to them any further". 

I really believe this was more about her inability to put her emotions aside and her stance that she and I had a "personality conflict" than it was about her reasoning that the visit was going to be too hard on the kids. (Because even if it was hard on them, then you modify the visits or contact not cut it off entirely.) 

She couldn't handle the idea that we got to make decisions about what worked for the kids and our family. She couldn't forgive herself for saying no to having the children in her home. And I was not willing to continue being her emotional punching bag. She asked for two nights with the kids and we had plans so we said no. This response was like an adult sized tantrum! Foster Mom R is being mean to me. She's not my friend any more.

Now I get it is really, really, hard stuff when kids leave. But I know several foster moms who would give their left arm to be given the opportunity to have any kind of contact with their former kids even if it meant they had to put up with a foster mom they didn't care for. (And while I can be direct, I am not an ogre. How is it I managed to befriend the other foster mom in this case as well as the Fab Four's former foster family and Maria? Because I'm actually nice! Oh and they don't blame me for their situations...) I also get that maybe some more time or space was warranted to grieve. You have to speak up if that's the case.

But no. She bailed. Walked out of their life because it was too hard for her. I can't wrap my head around a foster parent stating that they love the children and want what's in their best interest and their conclusion is to disappear from their lives without another word. Not even a goodbye.

There is no love lost on my end because she made my life difficult and brought tons of drama. If I had met this person outside of Foster Care Land I would not have had a second conversation with her. I was willing and attempted to make it work for the kids' sake. So what if she aggravated me or hurt my feelings! I am the adult. I shoulder that for the kids because that is my job.

 We will now add her name to a long list of people who promised the kids that they would be different and broke that promise. And that sucks. Foster care sucks.

Confession

People ask me all the time how I can work full time with four foster kids.

My usual answer is: a) we have a wonderful support in my Mom who loves being Grandma and we couldn't do it without her  or b) all I know is four kids.

But there are days like today where my answer would be: c) I don't.

This morning was one of those mornings where I wasn't my best. Wasn't a great Mom and a less than stellar employee. And because of that I'll probably be a nagging wife later.

Lets review, shall we?

1:30 AM- Finally fall asleep. 

6:00 AM- Alarm goes off

6:55 AM- Realize I hit the snooze more than once and now need to bring kids with me to oil change appointment instead of dropping off at day care beforehand.

7:30 AM- Leave house for oil change appointment at time appointment is supposed to start.

7:40 AM- Arrive at dealership. Traipse children into play room.

9:00 AM- Hassle service desk because the kids have officially missed breakfast at day care and now I need to feed them.

9:15 AM- Leave dealership.

9:17 AM- Stop at gas station. Buy donuts and chocolate milk for kids. Make them eat in the car.

9:25 AM- Arrive at day care.

9:30 AM- Stop for Diet Coke

9:55 AM- Arrive at my desk. An hour and twenty minutes late.

So why so important that I got my oil changed? Well beyond the fact that we are having a "Polar Vortex" here in Chicagoland, my car was hit last week and will be in the shop for a week at least and I won't have time to get my oil changed before I hea to my girls spa weekend. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, self care. I know but seems a little like my priorities are out of order when I'm shoving gas station donuts at my kids in the car.

It's only Tuesday. 

On the plus side though, Hubby handled pickup and dinner tonight and even managed to get some very calm therapeutic parenting of Sarah in. I was so proud of him! (He will now not be nagged.)