Like a fix to an addict...

Information. Information is to a foster parent like a fix is to an addict.  They need it. they crave it. its never enough. You always want more. It makes you do crazy things.

• Stalk stranger's Facebook, My Space, Instagram, Twitter.
• You learn the circuit clerk on-line records search, checking it multiple times a month.
• Comb through stacks of papers hoping something was missed in the sweep for confidentiality.
• Read the caseworker's notes upside down.
• Scribble down everything the judge says in court as if you were the court reporter.

At the most recent ACR, I was handed the kids' current case plan. I usually have to beg for these and it's usually several months after the ACR that I receive it. Normally the case plan is redacted and pages of information are missing as it deals with the "family history".  I think that kind of makes it hard to take a team approach and generally creates more issues. Personally, I don't think that everyone should get to hide behind "confidentiality" because really why is it confidential? Certainly nothing in my home.  If it happened to the kids, I should get to know about it even if it was witnessing Mom get beaten up. (See point 2 above. I already know about the charges and case outcome.  My life would be way easier if you just coughed up the details, thank you very much. And certainly, the records belong to the kids.  Shouldn't they have access to their own history?)

Caseworker #3 handed the packets to me with a smile and said "there is more information on here". (CW #3 appreciated my addiction resourcefulness. She understood.) Since the goal is now adoption I got to see more. I also got the benefit of having an office close to our home so I was able to attend my first ACR in person in 5 years.

Early on, the therapists told me we probably won't know all that happened to the kids.  They also said it didn't really matter.  We would treat the symptoms and assist with healing the unspecified trauma and focus on how they were progressing.  As a Mom, that is very, very hard for me.  They are my kids.  I'm supposed to know.  I'm the keeper of their lives.  How can I help them if I don't know what happened to them? How can I absorb the awfulness if I don't know what it is? I'm the adult, I need to carry the heavy stuff for them and let them be kids.

I didn't read the Case Plan until I got home. The information Caseworker #3 was referring to was a new summary of all of the indicated events that brought the kids into care. There wasn't just one. There were more than 4 at different periods of time. I learned the names of different boyfriends that abused her. I learned the last name of one of the other siblings. Failure to protect or prevent harm. Over and over again. I cried.  Just this little piece of information and I couldn't understand why it took so long for them to be protected from harm. Clearly these kids needed help.  It was like reading the newspaper articles about the department when a kid in care dies. 

I'm going to need a stiff drink when we get their subsidy packet back.  I have a feeling there is a lot worse in the files. 

20 Thoughts I Had During the Homestudy

1) Sh*t she's early. Oh well...

2) A redacted birth certificate? It's their birth certificate. They should get to know what was on it.

3) Sexual abuse history!? WTF. 

4) Changed placement due to sexualized behavior? WTF.

5) No, this was their 4th placement. You are DCFS. Shouldn't you know this?

6) Need to move this information. The redacted birth certificate is making me angry. 

7) Why is the mental health n/a box checked? Um they have PTSD and RAD. I think that's applicable.

8) You are missing a sibling in the listing.

9) You want me to fill out a sibling contact agreement but you won't tell me their names? But you give us their birthday? WTF?

10) Did she seriously just ask Hubby his weight? 

11) "You can describe me as curvy".

12) Perfect, another maternity leave to hinder my kids' permananecy. 

13) Did she really just ask me to explain the difference between foster care and adoption?

14) Do people get that wrong?

15) How do I know I'm attaching to the kids? It's a feeling. Can I say "I'm attached because if you don't get this moving along soon, I'm going to go all Mama Bear on your ass?"

16)Yeah...probably should let Hubby answer that questions first and come up with a different answer.

17) "We will support their curiosity about the circumstances that led to their adoption by having an open, age appropriate dialogue their entire lives."

18) The family that isn't supportive of their adoption isn't family anymore, that's how we handle that.

19) Did Hubby just admit to being a champion of therapy? 

20) 3 hours worth of questions. I need a nap.

20 Random Thoughts Prior to a Homestudy

1) I probably should clean the bathrooms. She might need to go if she will be here 1.5 hours x 4 kids. However long that is. I don't multiply decimals.

2) Everyone has told me that's a way overestimation. Maybe I don't really need to clean them.

3) Holy Hell, yes I do. 

4) Good God children, how do you get pee under the seat? How is this possible? I don't even know how to lecture you about stopping this because I have no idea how this can happen.

5) Next week I am giving bathroom cleaning lessons and you are all going to take turns on a weekly basis.

6) Gross. 

7) Still not as gross as lice.

8) Do I need to serve treats? Would baking something be too contrived?

9) Definatley. The kids would tell on me. "This is the first time Mom has made cookies in our new house! ever!" So would Hubby.

10) Why do I care? She's already been here. 

11) Because it's foster care and crazy sh*t happens and how many horror stories have you heard? It's not final until the order is entered. 

12) Need to hire the attorney.

13)Is she the one I tried to interview with and she hired the person before me without meeting me? 

14) Can't find the email. I guess it doesn't matter since I don't know what she looks like. 

15) Let it go R. Let it go.

16) Should I write down the issues? We need to make sure we capture anything pre-existing. Must remember Smiley's IEP and Sarah's 504 Plan. And Simon and Stella's glasses.
17) Just make sure the fresh fruit is visible on the counter.
18) WTF are these pencils doing on the floor.  Where do they come from. Why is it I find them by tripping over them but when I actually need them, nowhere to be found?
18) Why did we tell her 9:00AM?
19) Because you had just given your "how do we expedite this process" speech and you didn't want to look like you were stalling.
20) Screw it. We live here.
 

Can he use your last name?

That was the gist of the email I got from Simon's teacher today. Can he use your last name? He wants to change his name tag on his desk to read his adoptive name. He told his teacher he wants it to say "new last name". 

I love that my kid has grown so much that he can articulate to others his feelings about what is important to him. 2 years ago he couldn't tell me what he wanted to eat for fear he would offend me or it would be something no one else wanted to eat. He acquiesced to everyone. And don't get me started about the way his sisters pushed him around. (This is only slightly improved. He's still incredibly patient with his sisters- way more than me.)

So for him to ask to have the name he feels is his- is HUGE. 

My response was - if he feels this way, we should listen to him. Change it in the yearbook too. 

He has claimed our family as his own. He is demanding to be included in it. Court delays be damned. Legalities don't matter to him. In his heart he belongs with us.

His new name IS his name. I want to ask all the people who told us we didn't have the right to give him a new name- what they make of this? 

He wants the name we have him. The one that honors, past, present, future. The one that cements his place in our family.