Stella

My Mom took Stella and Smiley shopping for pants yesterday. They came home with some cute things and as my Mom laid the items out in the couch to show me, I was struck with an unbelievable sadness and yearning.

The jeans looked so big.

A reminder that the kids grow a little more every day and I feel like I missed so much of Stella's childhood. I feel like she missed her own childhood and I started to cry. She is going to be 11 soon and I just feel like we got short changed. 

Forgive Me, My Face Hurts

I have not written as frequently as 1) there isn't as much foster care/adoption related stuff to report 2) the kids are doing pretty good (shsssh don't tell the Universe that because then it will come back and bite me) 3) my face hurts.

My autoimmune issue has flared up with a vengance in recent weeks and my latest symptoms go beyond the nerve head pain and have spread to my face. My whole left side of my face feels like I've got really bad sunburn. My hair brushed my cheek today and I almost cried. The neurologist prescribed some medication but it's the kind that makes you incredibly drowsy. It's also a mood stabilizer so maybe not all bad....

I can barely keep my eyes open at times and have gone to bed at 9:30pm this week which is VERY unusual for me. I'm hoping my body will get used to this medicine but my online research tells me most people experience this level of tiredness for 6 weeks or more. 

The kids have been really great. Tonight there was a social event at school but a parent had to stay with them. I came home and the kids were like- it's ok Mom I didn't really want to go. I got pretty lucky in the awesome kid department! 

Caseworker #4

So we met with CASA and Caseworker #3 who introduced us to Caseworker #4. The new supervisor never showed - something about a miscommunication. 

Whatever.

I actually cleaned the house. So I guess the supervisor missed it. (Like up until 1 am type of effort.) I NEVER clean for DCFS people so I guess the bonus is a cleaned house before the weekend. 

Anyway, Caseworker #4 was just as young as I imagined him.  If he was 24 I'd be shocked. He also happens to be good looking and have tattoos. Bio Mom is going to eat him alive. Exactly the kind of guy she goes for. (Except this one is employed and presumably has no criminal record.) He seems smart so I'm hoping he is. As long as he protects my kids we will have no issues.

Smiley was smitten. "I'm going home with Mr. Caseworker." Not until you are 30 kid- go get your pJs on.

The monthly visits are kind of silly. We are fine, no one has anything to add. No news on the adoption or the baby. The kids are doing fine. We would have been done in 15 minutes if we weren't trying to reiterate to the new guy how long a history the case has. 

I also told him listen- we will be so easy because we really won't bother you unless we have to. So answer my emails in a timely manner and we will have no issues. You know, but slightly nicer.

I'm over my initial annoyance. It is what it is. The kids seemed unphased by the change so that's what is important. 

Dear Fab Four

Dear Fab Four,

I think of you often. Probably daily but so entwined in my heart, you are, that I don't notice the thoughts as special. Today Sarah said something just like Jelly Bean or Gabby would have and we told her so. 

Our visits are becoming less frequent. I think that is okay. I think that's how it should be. Maybe the reminder of us is painful at times, LM has said as much. We will be here for you always, whenever you need us. We love you. That will not change. We look forward to fulfilling our promise to your Mom to become your God Parents. 

But I think it's time for me to let go a little more. When we moved I packed everything away as it was. The moments of your time with us frozen in frames.  2 1/2 years of pictures that decorated our home to make sure it felt like yours. As the Quartet came we added to what was there. 

But those walls are not the walls in this house. The home that belongs to the Quartet. This is their forever home and their pictures should hang on the walls. Not added to make them feel welcome but hung because this is their forever family and that is what families do.

It took me a long time to consider taking out your photos and replacing them with theirs. More than 2 years. But it's time. Time to let their photos and our frozen memories be the focus of the walls in our new home. I hope you understand. I hope you see that you are represented too, just not as prominently. 

With love,

Foster Mom R