Not a Miss

So it turns out that the missed visit wasn't really a miss. The transportation/supervision group messed up and actually did hear from Bio Dad that he intended to have his visit. 

We got an email.

Hubby called: Hey did you see the email?

Me: No. What email?

Hubby: Bio Dad did confirm, they should have had a visit.

Me: Oh that's real nice. That doesn't help me kid with sky high anxiety now does it?

Hubby: Just reply back that this Sunday is fine. But don't be bitchy about it.

Me: You don't want me to reply how I want to reply then maybe you should reply.

Hubby: Ok

Light years people, light years from 4 years ago when it would have sent me into a fuming rant about incompetence  and further hurt to my children. I would have sent a terse email and called to complain.

Only a few more months....

PHD in Google

I've long felt that I should be given an honorary PHD in Googling. I'm nosey, I'll admit it. And I'm always trying to understand and know things and the ease of the Internet search engine is really spectacular for someone like.  

Given that I live a large part of my life in the dark, because no one tells the foster parents anything, I've had to become resourceful at getting information.

You'd be surprised how much stuff you can find on-line.  Most counties have their court records on-line to some degree. Some just have charges and dates others have summaries of what happened in a particular hearing and if fees have been paid in full.

I stumbled across Sheila's profile on a social media website this week. From there I found siblings and cousins and pictures. Pictures of my kids when they were little. You have no idea how excited I was.

I saved picture after picture. I looked at their adorable 2-5 year old faces. I have no idea who the adults were in some of the pictures but I assume they were family members.

From their I stumbled upon Sheila's Facebook page.  She uses a completely false name which is why I never found it before. It was an interesting peek at this woman that I share so much with but hardly know. Picture after picture of herself. Quote upon quote about men and relationships and only a handful of stuff about her 6 kids. 

I know from others that watching the newsfeed of a bio parent can be gut wrenching. And in fairness, Facebook is an edited version of everyone's life but  Agee months ago there was a post about how disappointed she was in her kids' father for never being there for them. 

I was flabbergasted. Umm- which father? Because there are 5 and how can you write that knowing that's none of the six kids has lived with you for 2 years. How about you start worrying about you being there for them?

That's when I stopped reading. I shut Facebook off. I gave some thought to how I felt about the kids being on her page with her 1000+ friends. I know this is a big source of tension for other adoptive families. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  For now, I'm grateful that I found the pictures for their  lifebooks (including pictures of their siblings) and names of family members in case the kids want to connect in the future. I also found a store that Stella talks about visiting with her Mom. Should we ever visit her birthplace, this will be a landmark to see.

Missed Visit

Simon had a rough weekend.  He was waiting for confirmation that he was going to have his visit Sunday with his (and Sarah's) Dad. He was sad and worried and basically chewed his fingers raw. At 6:30 pm Saturday, I finally got word that his Dad did not confirm, and therefore,there would be no visit this month. 

DCFS has been very clear. He misses 2 consecutive months and the visits will stop altogether. 

Simon came to me at bedtime and told me that he was ready to tell me why he looked sad earlier when I asked him what was wrong.  He said he was worried about his visit with his Dad, that it wouldn't take place.  I of course had to tell him that there would not be a visit.

His big brown eyes welled up with fat tears that rolled down his cherub-like cheeks. He tried so hard to hold it in. I scooped him up into my lap and rocked him for a long while. In the end, I was able to get him to giggle and give him extra hugs.

When I told Sarah she just kind of blinked at me and shrugged. 

Four years and eight kids and never have two of them reacted the same way to any one event! 

Minimum Parenting Standards- An Update

It looks like this post got some love this week in the Blog-o-sphere. I love when my old posts become new (to you) because it gives me a chance to go back and see how far we've come.

I write this blog with an honest voice: how I'm feeling at the time and what I've learned through this process. I often bristle at my own honesty and the post about Minimum Parenting Standards is no exception.  I was angry then. Angry that we had to participate in the excercise. Angry that the circus of 7 professionals made it our responsibility, and angry that the case was moving so slowly.

That post was written a year before the kids went home. And even the week they did go home, I was still unsure that Maria was going to be able to meet her kids' needs. The greatest lesson I learned was that I had to trust a broken system.

I like to think we helped in the end. In the post, I wrote I didn't want to help Maria. And I didn't then. But then it came down to: do I want to watch my kids get hurt again by failing or do I want to build them up by helping their family suceed? 

I don't think you can learn to love these kids and not pick the 2nd option. And a big piece that I was missing was that Maria really was working hard, I just didn't know any better.  She had a lot to overcome. I know that now and I tell her how proud of her I am each time we see her.

This past weekend as she sat in the passenger seat of my mini-van, she excitedly shared news of the progress on her passport, immigration paperwork, and driver's license appointment. When I wrote that post in May 2012, there was no way you could have convinced me that a trip to the movies (or away for the weekend) would be in our future. Or that I would truly be pleased for her progress or side with her on parenting decisions. "You're Mom is right" often comes out of my mouth when the kids are telling me stories.

I really wish we could get to a similar place with Sheila.  A positive, supportive relationship would be so much better for the kids.  Right now in the case, she isn't ready to view us in a positive way.  And I totally understand the point of view.  I just wish it were different and my hope is that with time, this too will change.