Trauma Assessment

I'm a little weary today. We got the results of Simon and Smiley's trauma assessments yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting but my heart broke hearing that Simon is in a constant state of fear and is suffering from clinically diagnosed anxiety. His PTSD is in the 90th percentile. And if we don't get some hard work done now he will likely be diagnosed with RAD later on.

I began crying when they described picturing him at 2 or 3 listening to domestic violence in the next room. Unable to understand or put words or pictures to the sounds he was stuck in a fear state an has no idea how to stop worrying.

Smiley is always a little sad. Which probably means her smile is often phony. She spends a great deal of time in a dissociated state. Their biggest concern is that she won't be able to cope with another move. She has quite a few risk factors for an attachment diagnosis down the road as well. 

It just hurts my heart that these beautiful kids were not cared for. And that we are still trying to send them back to the Mom who didn't do her job. Maybe it's helpful for me to be reminded exactly how much damage this woman did to her children. She may not have hit them, but she care for them either.

We have a lot of work to do as a family to heal some of this hurt, if it can be healed. An important task is ahead.

Gabby Turns 12

Today was a momentous day. It was Gabby's 12th birthday party. And we got to be there. I remember sitting across from Maria at JB's IEP meeting last year and her asking me to be at the kids' birthdays. And today we completed a years worth of birthdays.

It might make the other guests raise an eye brow or two at my broken Spanish. It might seem strange that their family members call me Mom but its our normal and I wouldn't change it. I never thought we would get here but here we are. Nearly a year later and still going strong.

The kids played together. MM asked if Simon could stay. They giggled. I got home made tamales and chile rellano. We watched as Gabby's face was smashed in her cake. LM was full of sarcastic comments and eye rolling and JB had a few meltdowns. But we helped her get over them.

After the birthday party, we left with the Quartet and headed to a St. Patrick's Day party. We spent time with family and friends of the family who have known me since I was a little girl. One of them said, "watching the other kids go must have been hard but I imagine what you are doing is very rewarding". I actually thanked her for saying the right thing. No angel talk. No poor kids. No isn't that hard. I feel like taking her words and handing them out to people like business cards. Here- this is what you should say to foster parents when you meet them.

There was a guy running for congress there shaking hands. My Dad mentioned I was a foster parent. I told him to think of the beautiful kids he just met when he gets elected and votes to cut funding for social service money to our state. Maybe it wasn't the nicest introduction but it was honest.

We ended the night dancing up a storm. We had such fun! When we got home Simon asked me the same questions Jelly Bean asked me when we got home the 1st year we took her to this party: Will I get to go to the party next year? Will I still be living here?

Foster care, never far from their thoughts.

I told him if I had to guess, that yes he would still be living here. And if not, maybe his Mom would let him come. 

A Very Nice Day

Foster Care is a roller coaster. You are up you are down. And often you are strapped in until the ride comes to a stop. In one day, we can have all of that. My goal, though, is always to get to typical or "normal". 

This morning, Simon and Sarah were picked up for a visit with Dad. Two hours early they came home. There was no visit with Dad. The driver drove them to the wrong house. Smiley struggled with the change in schedule.

We pulled out a gold standard in our tool kit.  We left the house. 

A pretty normal action, right? But for kids who live with me, it allows us to shake up the schedule of visits and appointments and the system.

So we went to lunch at a new chain restaurant. And I forgot until we arrived that the kids used to live in the state that the place was named after. A pitfall of foster care is sometimes you walk into a trigger without realizing.

It gave Stella an opportunity to talk about the past. She was happy to share. Simon, shut down. He mentioned missing his brother and then that was it.

The kids enjoyed lunch and we had a nice meal. Do you know what was the best? It was normal. We were a family. Laughing, sharing food. We then went to a place with bounce houses and they ran off the energy of being couped up inside this winter.

It was the same place we went the day we met the Quartet. I marveled at how far we've come in this journey. The kids played nicely together and my prayer is that they will always be as close as try are now.

We ended the night watching Disney World fireworks on You Tube. Cuddled up on our bed talking excited about what kind of vacation we should take. It was low key. I'm looking forward to more days like today.

Still Grief

My brother and sister-in-law came over for dinner tonight. No special reason other than I thought I had made too much corned beef. (Turns out it was a perfect amount and was very delicious.) we spent the evening chatting and catching up on life.

The conversation turned to the kids.I was   talking about different they were and how well the all got along when all of a sudden it hit me that it's March 7th and they went home in April.

It had almost been a year since they lived with us. This time last year we were handling overnight visits, family meetings and talking about giving our notice.

And the sadness was overwhelming. I have no idea why, but the tears came. So I went back and read some of the posts from this time last year. I'm not sure the writing conveyed how awful I felt inside. And the band aid that was on the grief was ripped off.

At the end of it all, I still lost my kids. 

There is still a hole in my heart where they were. And while I am so glad that they have been successful and I feel blessed that they are still very much apart of our lives, I miss them. And our relationship is different (as it should be).  I am reminded of them all the time and it doesn't usually bring me to tears. 

Maybe I blocked all of the dark time out. Maybe it's the trauma anniversary phenomenon that I'm experiencing. I had all these upcoming dates in my head and I couldn't figure out why they felt familiar. Then I matched them up with the events of last year and it made more sense. They were dates of things that happened as the Fab Four left. We have a permanency hearing for the Quartet on the day the kids started their 10 day visit for spring break. I'm going to a baby shower on the anniversary of the kids leaving. 

Maybe it's the guilt of loving additional children and putting their needs ahead of the Fab Four. Or the guilt that we have so much in terms of resources, and they do not. Maybe it's the realization that a year later I'm not positioned much better to be a forever mom. While much, much better, maybe the pain will always be there in some form or fashion. 

I ran into Stella's teacher this week. She was also Jelly Bean's teacher last year. She said to me, "You look really great!" And then repeated it before we parted. I thought about the compliment and thought that probably the last time I saw her was a year ago when my life felt like it was crumbling around me. I'm going to focus on how far I've come and how much I've grown but there are still moments when it's hard.

I have kids sleeping in the next room. Really great, smart, sweet, lovable kids who need a Mom. That's a pretty important reason to put all of the other parts to the side and keep trudging through foster care land. There were other kids out there who needed our help.