Exhausted

We are in the thick of the hardest part of being a foster parent. Dealing with the system. Make up visits, missed calls from Mom, finding therapists and doctors.

I actually forgot we had a rescheduled appointment tonight until one of the kids reminded me. (I'm not back in the habit of carting my MomAgenda everywhere yet.) and while talking to the therapist who came to our home tonight the kids let the dog out of his crate and he helped himself to my hamburger on the table.

I'm daunted by the task at hand today. I know how much good we can do. I know how much the kids need us to do this good. I just want to call a time out.

I hopped over to an online retail store tonight to look for inspiration. A search of books and foster care, left me even more depressed about how much overhaul the system needs. It should be this hard to get what the kids need, what our family needs. I actually had to point the transportation company contracted by the state to the state safety belt laws today. 

Banging my head against the wall.

Goal:?

In response to my post on the Quartet: AnonymousJanuary 9, 2014:

Oh! Didnt know you were open to foster care as well....Thought just adoption.

Well we are kind of open to foster care. If a legally free set of kids had come our way we would have likely said yes. However, in the eight months our license was open for new placements only one sibling group came close that termination was happening on. They ended up going to an out of state relative and it would also have been a transracial adoption which isn't necessarily our preference.

It wasn't like we didn't get calls. I guess we said no to at least 50 kids. At first it was too soon and then we were waiting for a more likely termination scenario.

Interestingly, the same week Simon an Smiley moved in, an email was circulating looking for a family to take a sibling group of four under an identified surrender. This means the biological parents would be signing their rights over to an adoptive family. That particular case would also have been outside of foster care and DCFS (meaning no financial perks of the medical card or adoption subsidy or adoption fee assistance). I don't know that we would have been able to afford adopting four kids with no financial help or costs deferred.

Since these kids still needed to be together and we felt termination was likely, we decided to agree to foster. They don't have as many therapuetic needs as the Fab Four and their ages were right where we wanted. Further in, with more details, and I'm not so convinced that everyone with power believes that this Mom should not have parental rights. 

So what's different? Well for starters we are much wiser. We have an idea where we need to push. For example, we need to find therapists and we have to switch transport providers. I am willing to back off insisting on the same therapists (although I love them) in order to take up the cause to keep the visit day as is. 

Willow also ordered a trauma assesment which will also assess attachment. This will provide documentation and may give evidence for a psychological evaluation of Mom. All of this tells me they are trying to get enough to terminate rights but it also means a very long road.

Since we know that reunification can work and we've now had a really positive experience with it, it's hard to know how to feel about this case. Mom's had several chances to figure it out but she also hasn't beaten her children. She's sick. She can't really help that. And since I know these kids could be going home, I'm finding it hard to embrace them as "mine" like I did with the Fab Four. It's not a feeling I'm totally comfortable with and I think a lot has to do with me feeling like a foster mom vs a potential forever mom. (I could also just be trying to protect my heart.)

Conversation at dinner tonight did turn to "real" Mom. Smiley asked if I was now her "Real Mom". I explained I am real. I am "The Mom" in this house. Their Bio Mom "Mommy" is also real. And sometimes people refer to Mommy as a Biological Mom since they were born to her. The previous foster family has bio, adopted, and foster children and so the concepts were familiar to the kids. Smiley wanted to know where my baby was (again) and Stella wanted to know if I ever wanted a baby and if I ever had any. Sarah was concerned that if she called me Mom (as Stella has started to) and wanted to talk about Mommy, I would be confused. I assured her she can call me what she's comfortable with but if she did go with Mom, I would probably be able to figure out which Mom she was talking about. She has not witnessed the rapid fire "Mom, Mom, Mom" that is being with Maria and the Fab Four. Four kids, two Moms makes for a lot of "Mom!" 

So we are embracing the fostering because these kids need us. We probably need them too. And I've been praying that my kids will find me so when the 2nd request for us To be the foster parents came at us I felt like it was a sign. I do want off the foster care roller coaster. But I feel like this is where we need to be.

The Quartet

So I will begin referring to the current placement as The Quartet. (And if I'm crazy enough to take a 3rd set in the future you all will have to help me brainstorm!)

The Quartet consists of the following:

Girl- Smiley (4) 

Boy- Simon (5)

Girl- Sarah (7)

Girl- Stella (9)

The goal is return home. A reader asked if there was a concurrent goal. This means that in addition to the case goal of return home there is a goal for another form of permanency for the case such a adoption. In our state, there is almost always a concurrent goal of adoption. Although, in my experience its not often focused on until much later in the case. 

The kids have not lived with Mom (27) for 11 months. They have been in Foster Care for nine months. The details are fuzzy. I've asked several times how the system became aware of them and I've not been given a straight answer. I am going to leave that to the therapists to piece together and ask them later.

We are the concurrent plan. Willow (case worker) and her supervisor were looking for an adoptive resource that would be willing to adopt all four kids together. In August, when they contacted me the 1st time, they were discussing expedited termination. This did not pass legal screening. So unless Mom surrenders, this looks like a long term placement.

Now given the family history of domestic violence, past dealings with DCFS (Stella and Sarah were in foster care for a year  prior to Simon being born) and Mom's mental health it's quite possible that parental rights could be terminated if Mom doesn't start working hard. However, since the reason for removal was neglect (Mom was hospitalized and did not enact the safety plan in place) and not physical abuse it is possible that these kids will return home should Mom stabilize. Since the neglect wasn't too severe (from what I understand) (and can we take a second to recognize that I'm now rating neglect on a scale and that makes me feel dirty and jaded all at once), it may not be that hard for her.

Visits are once a week, supervised in Mom's home. Simon and Sarah also visit their Dad for 2 hours supervised in the community. He's not complying with services although this month he has shown up consistently for his visits. (This was not happening before.) 

There are also two other boys (10 & 2) living with a relative in another state.  I don't have much information other than the oldest Mom lost custody to. 

9 months in and only at 4 hours supervised visitation does not make me feel like anyone has a sense of urgency. 

We are in the process of trauma assessments on the kids. There have been reports of some molestation happening to Sarah and Stella but nothing they have disclosed themselves to therapists.

We knew that this placement could be traditional foster care and we took it anyway. Maybe this is our calling. Maybe these kids are meant to be ours. Only time will tell. (Smiley's eyes bugged out when I told her the Fab Four lived with us for 2 years. I so wish I could have taken a picture especially since she was wearing this ridiculous headband with bright pink wings on either side of her head!)

1 Week

We have officially made it a week as a family of six. We even survived having LM as a house guest for two nights (she spent the week at my Mom's house). And by survived I mean there were 7 people in our house and everyone was fine. Mostly.

Sarah is struggling with her emotions. From what I've been told she doesn't "connect" with them. I think she connects but doesn't know how to verbalize. And I would put her emotional age at 4/5 instead of the 7 she actually is. I've had to tell her to use her words pretty often during her meltdowns. Rationalization isn't there. And she imagines she's in trouble even when she isn't. She does seem to be able to draw and journal her feelings. She drew a picture of a heart with a happy face and a sad face on the other side. When asked about it she started crying.

The speed with which these children start to cry is like nothing I've ever seen. We are going to have to choose words even more carefully. The perception of the tiniest disappointment sends them into meltdown mode. Of course Mom did this in the meeting and I'm pretty sure she was crying while they were on the phone the other day. So this may also be a learned behavior.

Smiley had some tears last night about her visit today which of course was cancelled this morning. She said she wasn't missing her Mom but she was sad about her visit. She couldn't tell me what about or why. Her little bottom lip quivers and her big brown eyes get even wider. It's heart breaking. We'll see if Mom contacts me about speaking to the kids today. She needs to seek them out.

And the Dad might still get his visit if the roads are clear. Last time though, he cancelled due to his pregnant girlfriend being in the hospital. I suspect this may be why he is showing up at all. She may be encouraging contact. Which is silly since before they came into care he had shown no interest in these kids and had gone to jail for assaulting their Mom. (Hey System- stop digging parents up!) He didn't work his case plan the first time the kids were in care. He has yet to show up for court this time around. I'm sorry, the inconsistency isn't fair to the kids. I don't think if you can't bother to show up for court or send an attorney that you should be given services.

As a group the kids are great. They get along pretty well. They are fairly calm. It's almost too good to be true.