Not Legally Free

Anonymous asked: Are the kids legally free for adoption? 

The answer is no. The goal is reunification. They are still visiting with bio parents. 

There was talk of expedited termination a few months ago when we were first approached. I don't know if that was looked at yet. I do know that this family has already been reunified once by the same judge and that intact services were in place and failed. I also know that Mom does not seem to be doing much and missed her last court date. Dad is only showing up 1/2 the time to his visits. Both were involved in DCFS previously with their kids. And in our state before termination can be discussed kids need to be in an adoptive resource home.

The other foster families are convinced this will lead to adoption. There is a greater chance that it will, given the history. We were chosen as a good foster placement because if the case turns that way, we are willing to adopt all four children. We've also brought back together children who were separated and had a history of sexual abuse. If they moved the kids so they were together, they wanted it to be their last move in foster care. (We will be their 3rd and 4th homes (yes, again).)

I cannot go into this with the idea of adoption in my head. It was a mistake I made last time. Actions were taken the wrong way and I believe that being honest about our wish to adopt may have hindered others to see our legitimate concerns. 

I am glad that the other families could see us as a forever family for these kids. It allowed them to be placed together. No doubt we will make the same promise as before, our house or her house. I signed up as a foster parent and my job is to protect, advocate, and support the goal.

If I'm being honest, I am also guarding my heart a bit. I couldn't think of these kids as only mine if I were to be working with these other foster families or their biological families. I spent a great deal of the previous two years thinking of another Mom as my enemy and in the end that did me more harm than good. Maybe I feel like I owe it to Maria, with all she has taught me, about what it's like to be in her shoes. Quite frankly, I might still be worn out from all of that. Arms length of the thought that these could be the Final Four is much more comfortable right now. 

Today is Brought To You By The Number 4

Two years ago today, I was having what I believe to be, the 2nd worst day I ever had with the Fab Four. JB was being admitted to the mental health hospital and LM had to testify at a pre-trial hearing. 

Today just may go down as one of the best days I ever have as a foster mom. I learned today that all four children will be coming to live with us by the end of the month. The foster mom of the oldest two decided it was in the kids best interest to move them now and not risk a mid-semester move. Her only request was that they get to spend Christmas with their family. 

I recognize the difficulty in making the decision she did. It's a heartbreaking thing to say: these kids need to be together and they are not meant to be mine. I know because I made a similar decision last March. I said the back and forth is insane and we have to do what is right for the kids. 

It was an act of a mother. My prayer today is for that mother. That she can find some comfort knowing she did the best she could for those kids if it wasn't in the cards for her to adopt them. And that she gave our family a really big gift, if it turns out that it is in God's plan for us to adopt them.

We felt it was best for the girls to spend Christmas with them. Coming to our family Christmas would have been overwhelming for everyone.  The next few weeks will be a flurry!

My Mom

I need to brag about my Mom for a moment. Because not only did she drive over an hour to see Gabby's band concert this week,she also exchanged a dress for Maria, and picked Gabby and LM up.

I remember very clearly the week before the kids went to overnight visits for a week my Mom swearing up a storm that there was no way she could ever forgive this woman. She called Maria every name in the book and prayed for her to fail. She  told me she had no idea how I could be in the same room with her. And I told her I needed her to at least talking about that around me because it wasn't helping me move forward.

Now look at her! My Mom is amazing. She shows up for me no matter how crazy my idea. Walk a 5K with 2 new foster kids in the freezing cold? Pick me up at 7 am. Dinner with 6 kids? As long as they are showing the hockey game. Quality time with a woman who speaks a different language? What's the word for good, is all she has to say! 

My village is pretty amazing! 

FAQ

The questions I've been getting often are- What about the other kids? And - How are they doing?

What about the other kids is in response to us taking on a new placement. And it's becoming annoying pretty quickly. It's annoying because it implies that somehow we've abandoned or forgotten the other kids. It's a different twist on the "don't you get attached comment". Kind of like, "didn't you get attached?"

I know the question is well meaning. I know it's mean to be of concern. But it comes across as a dig at times. I want to say, "What about them? They have moved on. I need to do that too. This is how it's supposed to work. What am I supposed to do? Quit because my feelings got hurt?" But I feel like I owe it to the kids to give a better explanation.

The other kids are excited for us. They've met the new kids and had a great time with them. We are still here to support them as much as we can. We are here to support Maria as much as we can. I feel comfortable moving forward because I believe that they have enough resources and done enough healing that me as foster mom, will not be necessary. It's time for me to open my home and my heart and help a different family.

And how are the Fab Four? They are doing ok. The girls have hit the teen attitude phase. LM got some tough love from me and an evaluation from a psychiatrist for depression and that was enough for her to adjust her attitude. JB is doing great at school and is slightly more stable in her mood swings. She is still tantruming but not as frequently. Gabby included us in her school concert this week. She is as moody as can be and hormones are to blame. MM is on meds for ADHD and he seems a little more focused. He is still not always listening but he doesn't seem to be in the middle of every issue anymore. Maria got hired full time at her job and will begin accruing vacation time. She was actually paid for Thanksgiving off this year. I told her how proud I was of her and that now, I see that she did work hard to get her kids back and she shared the judge sent her a letter to the same effect. We get to seem them every couple of weeks. They still call us Mom and Dad. We are still important in their lives and I have a feeling we may always be. 

As we move into this other case I feel wiser. We've really come a long, long way in a shorter period of time than I expected. I feel like I have a lifetime of foster care experience and I'm prepared to put it to use. In 2 weeks we will have kids living in our house again. And I'm sure this case will have quite a few blogable moments.