6 Years

6 years ago today I married Hubby. We were 25 and 26 and had already spent 5 years of our lives together. The weather was very much like it was today. We spent the day surrounded by friends and family soaking in the support and love.

It was one of the best weddings we'd ever been to. The dance floor was packed. The food was delicious and our guests had a blast.

We stood in my childhood church and promised God and our family that we would be true to each other in sickness and health, in good times and bad. I had no idea that day how soon we would test our vows. Less than 6 months later I lost my job.

We also promised to accept children lovingly from God. I had no idea that those children would not come from my womb. Or that there would be 4. Or that they wouldn't necessarily be permanent. But we accepted them lovingly. They have brought us much closer. We have solidified ourselves as a team. A family.

Which is why today we spent the day together. We went to a family birthday party. We went ice skating. There are years ahead we'll celebrate this day just the two of us but while we are this unit of six, I'm happy to spend November 4th, our 6th anniversary, a family of six.

I Wish You Could See

How calm and content my family is at this very moment. We settled in for our family night of pizza and a movie.

When the kids first came an that first day they weren't enrolled in school yet Hubby ran a Disney movie marathon. This is something we have continued. We hang out together while laughing and cuddling.

When they first moved in we could never had done this. We were too busy handling the fall out from visits and the behavior that went with it. Tantrums would last hours. Kids couldn't sit still. Kids couldn't be in the same room. Tears would be falling and everyone would be too wiped out. But over time we've settled.

And tonight I'm listening to kids giggle and talk. And discuss our family trips. Which is beautiful and hard all at the same time. But I'll take it. For however long we have it...I'll take it.

Why do they always pick THE worst day?

So after running around for 10 days straight I of course got sick. Like really sick. Like I had to actually go to the doctor today. I avoid the doctor. I spent so much time in their offices when I was first diagnosed with sarcoid and neurosarcoid that unless I'm sure there is something wrong I don't go. (I am the woman who dealt with nerve pain in my head for a year before mentioning it.)

I called in sick to work. And then everyone needed me. Umm hello people! Mom is sick. Didn't matter. Gabby left her flute. So I run to the school and drop it off but not before she called a second time to make sure I was coming. No sooner do I get home but the phone rings from the school for a third time.

Hi Mrs. R. It's the principal Mr. L. My automatic response? What did he do today?

Because my Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday phone calls weren't enough.

"He bit another student during gym class...on the butt. I know you work but I need to send him home for the day. I have to suspend him."

Honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I mean he's 5. He can tell you that he should keep he's hands to himself. He can tell you it's not ok to bite people. And everyone seems to say he's not malicious in this. That it is impulsive. That he almost can't help himself. Today I was asked if he was ever evaluated for ADHD.

And here is the thing. I suspected that. But 5? It's so young. And then you review- 1 who has extreme PTSD who dissociates, 1 who has extreme anxiety, 1 with PTSD and ADHD who I suspect will be diagnosed with bipolar later on in life, and another with ADHD.

And here is the thing. These kids were so much younger and had less trauma before coming into care. How is bio Mom going to handle this? Has she learned enough tools to manage all these behaviors?

So I go pick up the Kindergartener. And my yelling is ineffective, largely because I have no voice. And I feel like death and I'm brought back to Jelly Bean's rage during the worst headache of my life and I'm like- why do they always knock you over when you're down. Do they have some 6th sense that Mom's not at her best and therefore will not be effective?

Gems from the "Team Meeting"

- Mom needed to be told that she needs to monitor TV watching. Apparently letting her child with sexual abuse history watch a show that depicted rape and dismemberment of a young girl didn't register that it might not be ok because after all "Well she turned on the tv and chose the program." We'll just overlook the fact that the kid had nightmares and wouldn't pee at school. Mom's been told now she needs to monitor television.

- The bio dad with no legal standing and a history of violence against Mom popping up at visits is "a situation being monitored". Yes let's monitor that.

- Selling food out of your home and customers showing up during visits and inviting them in is totally ok. We'll just ignore the fear the kids have and pretend to be shocked when something goes wrong.

- Unsupervised Wednesdays can't begin because the visit supervisor helps LM with her homework while Mom takes the other 3 elsewhere in the library. Wednesdays are going fantastic though. No problems reported. Really? Because I would think the fact that one child isn't anywhere near her Mother during these visits is an issue.

I kept my lips zipped for the most part. I let the therapist raise her concerns. No one listened to her of course because they just want to get the kids home and heeding the advice of the therapist or concerning themselves with the stress the foster parents have to handle will just slow them down.

Visits will be moved to Mom's new apartment in the coming weeks with unsupervised 5 hours with pop ins.

Also we will begin prepping Jelly Bean to testify against the foster parent who abused her.

Good times....