If I'm being perfectly honest....

I would grade myself as a D for Mommy today. I yelled. I was annoyed. I was tired. At one point I tried to hide in my room (which for anyone with kids probably knows is damn near impossible). I really wanted out of this commitment and this life I got us in to. And then I felt guilty for feeling all these things. I really just want to curl into a ball and cry my heart out. Have one of those long ugly cries with snot everyway and my face scrunched and then just fall to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

The thing is I know WHY some of today was the way it was. We had a day to do nothing and I didn't realize before my kids don't do "nothing" well. We had no structure in our weekend and while I was looking so forward to that I didn't remember they don't handle that well and this is really the first time in 2 months we haven't had a bunch of places to be on a weekend. We were also supposed to visit with Little Mama and Gabby's first Foster Mom this afternoon. This created all kinds of misbehaving from them that we don't normally see and I know they were keyed up.

And thus lays this slippery slope that we find ourself on in Foster Care. We are supposed to do the BEST we can for the kids and keep them in contact with loved ones but we get PUNISHED every step of the way. But we can't stop visits with these people because of the backlash we have to do it in spite of the backlash because its supposed to be the best thing for them in the long run. We must support reunification even if we know it means that these children will likely be robbed of a million opportunities due to circumstance or lack of support.

I know it will benefit the girls to see that this woman who had them moved from her home because of her biological son (and her disinterest in forming a safety plan with him regarding the girls) and still misses them and cares deeply. I try not to be angry for the hurt she caused and be grateful that she took this action because if she hadn't they wouldn't be here in my life. But it sucked big time today when I was playing referee ALL DAY. Wiping away tears and doling out time outs. And it sucked even more when I got a voicemail saying that her family had an emergency and she wasn't going to be coming. Watching these kids be let down (even though I was dreading the reactions and after math of her departure) was even worse.

In my heart I know we are doing good things. I know I wouldn't change it if given the chance but today I wished their Mom could get her act together and take her kids. I know I love them. I know also that they frustrated the Hell out of me today. What frustrated me more was my inability to control my own temper. And the guilt at all of the above. I had a gut check moment where I asked myself if I knew they would stay with us forever if I would feel the same way and the answer was no. If I knew that today was for healing and that it meant in 10 years we would be a family - not a foster family I probably would not have felt so overwhelmed. And by contrast I felt awful for questioning whether I would be feeling the same things if I knew they were for sure going home. I feel hopeless and helpless. And yet I know that no matter I much I feel these things these 4 amazing kids feel it worse and I know that means I have to pull myself out of this pity party and be better.

Crickets

I don't know how quite to set the scene for you so you understand how out of LEFT FIELD this statement came. Jelly Bean is my difficult kids. She has ADHD. She seeks out negative attention like a missle. She is loud. She is defiant and can turn tears on like a faucet. She has no concept of keeping her hands to herself. She wets the bed. She has serious flakey moments. And at the same time she can be giggly and girly and lovey and helpful. She can be funny and cute but these moods change like the wind.

Saturday she got in trouble. First for kicking her brother. Then for going up to their bedroom while writing the sentence "I will not kick my brother" 200 times and ounching her sister. For which more sentences were assigned and then some more for talking back and generally pill like behavior. She didn't get them done Saturday by the time we had company over so she spent Sunday until we left for a party writing and then wrote in the car and then wrote some more at the party in order to participate in the bounce house, wading pool, and Pinata. I had grounded all the kids from backyard tent camping with my Aunt and God daughter until my Aunt called and told me she had finished setting up the tent not receiving my message that we wouldn't be coming. Since the kids were being good and I felt bad that my Aunt set up the tent I ruled that they had earned the camping back and off we went.

As we were settling into the tent and the kids plus my 9 year old God daughter were settling down each of them was saying good night.

Goodnight Mommy. I love you.

Goodnight Jelly Bean. Love you too.

I wish you were my REAL MOMMY.

(Sound of crickets)

Oh Honey thats really sweet. But I'm your Mommy just for now.

Well its true. You should tell the judge.

Piece of Cake

Fridays are never fun in our house. Friday from 4-7 our kids have supervised visits with their Mom. They get picked up from daycare by the supervisor and then brought home. Friday mornings are usually pretty rough. Usually we have tears and purposeful disobedience like we did this morning when Jelly Bean was told by Dad to put on gym shoes and did so until he left and Mom came down to find she had put her sock covered feet in flip flops are was trying to sneak out of the house this way.

Friday evenings when the kids come home are a crap shoot. Depending on what happens their behavior can escalate or I can be dealing with tears. And I'm just going to put it out there. I. AM. TIRED. Of them coming home in different clothes, covered in candy/frosting/soda, with stained clothes, and hungry. Tonight Mr. Mohawk came home with blue and red stains on his face and pajama pants on. Apparently family tradition is to smash each others faces in cake (which of course he doesn't know because he was 2 last time he was there for his birthday) which Little Mama was happy to do. So he cried and then of course wet his pants. Why? Because he's scared and confused and afraid he's going to get beat. So she gave him pajama pants but didn't have underwear for him so she left him in wet underwear.

Our number one rule is keep your hands to yourself. This is something the kids struggle with as their first reaction is to ball up a fist and hit the other person. I think this should especially be enforced at a visit. And if it wasn't then she could have at least cleaned him up. Did I mention he also managed to pour himself a bowl of cereal without anyone noticing? And in our house he is to ask before having food because he sneaks it.

And so begins this cycle of getting back to normal and then unravelling it again. It was finally (and thankfully) decided this week by the therapists and case supervisor that family therapy with Mom's therapist was not going to work (like we said at the beginning) and that more harm was being done to the kids. So a neutral therapist is going to be found and hopefully they can wade through this mess and see that Mom cannot and has not taken responsibility for her actions and the abuse she inflicted on these kids. This week she told Gabby that she remembered hanging someone up by the hands in the closet as punishment but she didn't remember that it was Gabby who she did it to. To which Gabby explained it that it was so long ago (2 years) that of course her Mom forgot.

We'll see how they take this news as they know family therapy is key to them going home.

Super Hero

I couldn't help but giggle this morning when my little guy tied his Spiderman shirt around his neck like a cape this morning. Today is the big birthday party day and he is excited. Of course life happened yesterday which means that Jelly Bean will not be participating in the moon bounce at the party.

Here's the thing I HATE that she can't. I had this awesome picture in my head of all of us jumping in it together and some amazing candid shots for their photo album. I knew Friday would be hard as their Mom cancelled their visit. Whennpushed their case worker told me I could tell the kids she was sick. I don't know if it's true or not. She cancelled therapy Monday. An if it was because she was sick I would think by Friday night she would be better. Of course Little Mama pointed out that if it was her she would have has the visit anyway. Buy I digress...... So Friday morning Jelly Bean was having a great start. No issues getting ready and I reminded her on the way onto day camp that she needed to be good in order to go to the party. When my husband picked her up he was handed a report that she BIT another kid.

Seriously? You are 7. Were you trying to be funny? This is usually the case with her. She does seething outrageous thinking the adults are going to laugh and instead she gets in trouble. So my husband have her a choice: write 200 I will use my words and will not bite people or miss out on the surprise tomorrow. She picked the surprise.

Now because I have a family that doesn't always listen to me and the party is at my parents house I left a message for my parents that she would not be participating in the moon bounce. Fast forward to a phone call from my dad telling me he wasn't going to allow that child to be tortured at his house. Torture? Not letting her go in a moon bounce because she bit someone after being given the chance to choose her punishment Passes for torture? Well geez. What's he going to think when he finds out that I made her wear her hair in a pony tail all week because I was tired of yelling at her to brush it. Cruel and unusual punishment?

I'm sure it will suck for her watching the other kids play in the moon bounce. But hopefully it will sink in that biting is serious. As is hitting which she did earlier this week. And writing sentences and being grounded apparently were not effective enough. She made a choice and she will have to live with the consequences. It's a valuable life lesson and if she doesn't learn it now she will be stuck in the cycle of bad judgement and legal consequences like her mother.